Having Peace
I’m terrified.
Terrified you won’t like this.
Terrified anything I write will be unintelligent and underwhelming.
Terrified anything I say on here will be too vulnerable and make you cringe.
Terrified you won’t like me.
And I don’t think I’m the only one.
It was only after I escaped a toxic relationship that I started to notice my own thought process for the first time in my life. That’s when I discovered the most terrifying thing about it all: The reason I had allowed myself to be abused by others was because I had been abusing myself for years.
The reason I didn’t recognize this as abuse was because it felt like home.
I had not given myself any bruises, cuts, or wounds that you could see from the outside. All of my scars are on the inside, shoved so deep they had become part of my DNA. My normal inner dialogue consisted of telling myself I wasn’t good enough, pointing out imperfections on my body, or reminding myself how much I hated how I didn’t learn as fast as my peers or how I wasn’t as athletic as my siblings.
I had SO MUCH negative self-talk on a daily basis that it became my norm. Constantly comparing yourself to those around you will get you nowhere. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to re-route my thoughts. Training my mind to be kinder to myself is a relentless battle. It took a little bit every day, and eventually, I had the biggest breakthrough I’ve ever had.
I was scrolling through the Gram and saw an Under Armour ad with a beyond-super-fit model. My first subconscious reaction was to think, "Why don't I look like that?" And just as quickly as the thought came, another thought said, "You can look like that one day. And if you don't, I'll still love you." The idea seemed so foreign, but also one that had been outside on the doorstep waiting to be invited in.
Why has it taken 27 years for me to start speaking to myself with compassion? That has been, in all my days, the kindest thing I've ever told myself, and I love that something so small can make such a huge difference for my future.
Words are important. More important than you could ever imagine. There’s a world of a difference between saying, “I can’t do that.” versus, “I can’t do that...yet.” Instead of “I hate the fact I can’t run fast,” How about saying, “I am thankful for my two legs that get me where I want to go.”
You can even steal my trick if you’d like: When I look in the mirror and can only pick apart things I don’t like, I wink at myself. It’s one of the weirdest things I do, but it works. It feels like I’m hitting on myself, and it makes me smile because of how ridiculous I look. Right then I’m reminded of how I like my quirky sense of humor, and how I love my smile.
Keep working every day on loving yourself, because you aren't there...YET.
It wasn’t until I recognized my inner demons that I was able to stand up to them, finally taking control of my own life. It wasn’t until I exposed my inner thoughts and ideas to myself, that I could start to heal these scars.
I’ve come a long way, but I’ve still got a lot of learning to do. I hope you can start to realize the words you tell yourself matter. I hope you won’t take almost 30 years to start to truly love yourself. I wish you could see how much of a hero you could be in your own story.
I’m terrified, but I’m also strong as hell. If you don’t like me or the words I use to speak my truth, that’s okay. Because I finally have peace with not knowing the outcome of a story about a girl who deserves the best.
Until next time,