To My Future Self...
Times are weird. Everything seems out of place and I feel lost.
Going back isn’t an option. The only way out of the global pandemic of COVID-19 is directly through it. Everyone is either at home watching Netflix or saving people’s lives, and it seems like there is no in-between. There is no happy medium. There is no normal.
I used to pride myself on being self-motivated. The saying is true: Pride comes before the fall. I have gotten excellent at creating a life around being physically active, and the past three weeks have me getting mad at anyone running past my house claiming to myself that they are just doing it to show off. I’m jealous of the motivation I used to have. It seems like the only thing I’m motivated to do these days is to lay on my floor and cry.
I live by myself. Sounds like a dream, right? Most of the time it is. I answer to no one and do the dishes when I feel like it. I can sit on the couch and read all day without the fear of someone walking in and judging my laziness. If I want to rearrange the living room for no reason at 9 p.m., I do it. There aren’t any screaming kids or a husband to get on my nerves. This is usually a dream for my introverted mind. I can come home and listen to the sound of my own thoughts drown out the business of the day.
Then the quarantine started. My home is still somewhere I feel safe. My home is somewhere I want to be. But it is now a place that I feel disconnected from the outside world.
Before the pandemic, there was always a part of me that didn’t understand why solitary confinement was said to be the worst punishment for prisoners. (Yes, you read that right. I am the kind of person who likes being alone SO much that I was bold enough to question what some countries consider a form of psychological torture.)
I get it now.
We need each other. We need connection. We need to be part of something greater than ourselves. We need to be heard, and we need someone to laugh at our jokes. We need someone to hold us when we cry and understand that we are strong even when we let down our walls.
FaceTime is great, but it’s not meant to be a replacement for face-to-face interaction. My friends and family have been wonderful at checking up on me during this time. It’s not about no one caring. It’s about not being able to sit in the same room as another human and have a cup of coffee together. It’s about not being able to sit on the couch and watch your friend’s reaction to a funny movie. It’s about not being able to be together right now.
I miss seeing people outside of a phone screen.
So, I’ve had a hard time. We all have in our own ways. But that’s okay. Right now we don’t have to be perfect and we don’t have to hold ourselves to the standards we had pre-quarantine. We just have to survive. We don’t have to worry about getting the perfect beach body this summer and we don’t have to fit in the same pants we used to wear before we knew anything about Tiger King. Things will change, and we will adapt.
This is a reminder to take care of yourself, and give yourself grace in that. Maybe taking care of yourself means going on a walk instead of a run, and that’s okay. Maybe taking care of yourself means surviving right now instead of thriving, and that’s okay too.
One way I take care of myself is to write. A while back, I started to notice on completing some journal entries, I felt like there was one more thought lingering to find a home on the page. Since this kept happening, I started writing at the end of my journal entries to my future self. I knew one day I’d need encouragement, and that day has come. The girl who started writing to her future self was strong even in the midst of all the shit hitting the fan simultaneously. If she can make it, so can we.
NOTES TO MY FUTURE SELF:
8/12/18: This, too, shall pass.
8/16/18: You should always be cherished. You are not the words he chose, and you will no longer be defined by them.
12/12/18: Keep going.
12/20/18: I will never regret being my own hero.
1/20/19: Remember that you are never, ever alone in this life. In all of this, when you thought your life was crumbling before your eyes, remember who and what came into your life to lift you up again. God sees you and has always held you in the palm of his hand.
3/15/19: Baby steps. We didn’t get to the moon out of luck.
3/30/19: You are strong. You are capable.
4/17/19: Don’t worry about when you’ll finish. Just start.
4/16/17: You’ve got that obstacle that’s staring you down like it’s about to eat you for lunch? You stare right back and tell it “Not today.” You remember what you’ve been through and what you thought you’d never survive, but you did it anyway. Cuz you’re a mofo badass and strong AF.
(Yes, sometimes I get a little sassy in my writing.)
4/27/19: It’s okay to hurt. Love yourself through it.
6/8/19: Once a day, take a mental snapshot of what you’re doing. These tiny moments are what you will miss one day.
7/28/19: Keep taking yourself out on dates.
9/8/19: Yes, you’re lost. But have you ever been lost before and not found your way? Trust the process.
10/11/19: You are good enough. Remember to be kind to yourself even when you don’t feel like it.
1/24/20: It’s okay not to know. Find peace in the wilderness.
2/4/20: This won’t last forever.
2/15/20: Keep going. The fear is there to be your friend through it all. It’s got your back.
2/29/20: You can do this.
3/5/20: You deserve love. Don’t deny yourself of that.
3/8/20: You’ll get there. Keep going and let the words flow through you.
3/29/20: Remember that this is going to be shit, but you’ll look back one day and be glad it led you here...wherever “here” may be.
I hope it helps.
You aren’t alone.
